Mid February 2018. The reward for talking.
I’m gutted. I am home, I don’t want to be here but I am. I couldn’t look at them I couldn’t be myself I couldn’t live with them anymore. I told myself and others that I am coming home to get better. I’m home because I can’t live with people that I wasn’t ready to tell. I feel angry. Angry at these people for making me have that conversation before I was ready. Yes they already knew things but I wasn’t ready for that. Nothing could have made me ready for that. Angry I couldn’t get my words out before the tears. Words to describe how I felt, how I felt a sense of betrayal and hypocrisy. They said I drink a lot and I change when I do. Well yeh I do because i am too polite to say certain things when I’m sober.
They said I drink a lot, I didn’t throw my guts up over a club floor, or spew in the toilet and pass out on the floor. They said I drink a lot, but I don’t snort coke up my nose. I didn’t drink a lot. I never missed a day of work because of it. Never injured myself from being so intoxicated I needed a week off work. No. To me this is unfair and unjustified. If I could have got the words out that I wanted I would be over it, but I didn’t, so I’m not, I’m angry.
Talking now feels like a punishment, a way to catch me out, a way to make me feel like shit. If you think it can help someone in the long term open your eyes and see whether that person currently believes in a long term. Don’t talk about them helping themselves now by talking to help there family and children later. If they are like me I don’t see a long term. So talking currently just destroys the short term. I had lost all faith in the idea of talking until today.
I was messaged by my friend Asia. We shared a flat last season whilst on a Basi course. She was for various reasons one of the first people I could easily talk to and trust when it came to depression. I regret not talking to her when I was out on season, someone with an understanding can really help, even if all they do is listen and get it.
I’m gutted I came home from my favourite place in the whole world. How have I let this dark cloud stop me from skiing. Life feels pointless.