From February 2018. When the dream of life on season ended.
Rock bottom number 4 showed up today. On what I feel is the worst day ever. Talking about mental health is really helpful but there is like with everything a time and a place for it.
What caused it? An attempt at an open discussion about my mental health, my medication, my sleeping pattern and my self harm with 4 of my peers by someone I had opened up to and had been very relieved at the realistic practical response. They had expressed concern about comments I had made, which I appreciate as they did it to try and help and support me. I hate showing emotion in front of anyone a part from my family. It sounds silly but I am mortified that my response to certain insensitive questions was to burst into tears in front of them all.
I was told by a counsellor I once saw that you cannot be responsible for people’s reactions to your actions, at least to a certain extent. For example, if you call someone fat, it could cause someone to develop anorexia, or it could just be brushed off someone’s back. You never know what someone might do, so you can’t blame yourself for something that you did that could have caused a completely different response if it was a different person. However, as humans we have the ability to think, think with logic, emotion, and think rationally. What might happen if I say this, maybe I shouldn’t incase it causes more harm than good. That is what we should do especially when addressing personal topics like someone’s mental health and the side effects of them.
You may be thinking, was it really that bad, surely that doesn’t constitute as a rock bottom, but three questions that sent me into stunned silence…well hysterics were, “why do you self harm”, “where do you self harm” and “what do you use to self harm?” All I did was cry. Choking out the words “I can’t even tell my mum that”. Consultations with therapists can be pretty draining as they have to know the extent of your mental illness but even they are more tactful than that, and if they aren’t, at least they don’t ask you in front of 4 others.
I now hate how much they know about me, not the girls themselves no, just what they know. Not because I don’t trust them with it, I know that they would like to help me when they can, but it is like a punch in the chest. They know how vulnerable I am. I see it as showing a weakness which I struggle with. I never wanted them to know the extent of it because I didn’t want to be a burden on them. Now they have basically been told to babysit me.
•Present: You all said you didn’t get it, and why should you. I want to take this opportunity to thank them for the concern they showed. Thank you for caring.
I was always adamant that if I came on a season I would make sure I finished it. Now it doesn’t seem likely.
I feel like shit, maybe the chat will help in the long run (although I wouldn’t hold my breath) it has completely destroyed any grip I had on my mental health.
The upfront manner in which those three questions were asked will fill me with dread for a very long time.