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Right what was I on about…season. Away to live the dream. Only thing is depression has a way of turning your ultimate dream into a living nightmare.
⚠️I made it. I’m here in Val d’Isère. I loved the mountains, I loved skiing. Now I don’t know. My training kept me busy and my mind off everything. I knew that was too good to be true. A good day is like an eerie silence. It’s not natural and you are waiting for something bad to happen. The thing about depression you could have 50 odd people around you that are lovely and you get on with but you feel so desperately helpless and alone. I realised I don’t know when I was last happy. When I didn’t fake the smile or muster the energy for a fake laugh. So what am I on now…104. Only two more. But two more I didn’t need. I don’t know if I want to get better. Right now, right this second, I want to die.
⚠️Christ!!! I feel like shit, I just want to bury my head in my pillow and cry. Why? I don’t know, all I know is I don’t feel right, all I know is that I’m going down hill again. All I know is I’m scared. Scared because I’m on 105. 105…105…and I want to do it again. 106 could help, it could work, it could numb the pain. 106 could help, but if it doesn’t 107 might? It’s when to stop, how to stop.
I don’t want to. I don’t want to do it anymore. That’s what I told Liz. “Hello my names Liz and how can I help you.” “I don’t know”. I hung up. I didn’t want to wake my flat mates. Flat mates who I love but I didn’t want to know. Flat mates I didn’t want to have to get it. I don’t want to be here anymore. Not just here, in Val, here in the world.
(Phone the Samaritans on 116123 if you ever feel lost, alone, helpless and need someone to just listen.)